There was a disco at Bella's preschool tonight. She's been super excited for days. She picked out what outfit she wanted to wear and as I helped her get dressed, she said, "I'm gonna see my boyfriend there."
I'm calm, cool and collected. "Oh really? Who?"
Bella fluffs up her skirt and answers, "Brayden. He's my number one boyfriend."
The Hot Man is not so calm, cool and collected. "What?! You have more than one boyfriend?!"
You can tell Bella thinks that's a dumb question. Hands on her hips. "Yes Dada, I have six boyfriends at school."
Bella is a bad-ass.
I laughed. But I also wanted to cry. Because I miss that. I long for that. The honesty, opennes and directness of a four year old. Because Big Son is seventeen and secretive. Furtive. Holding information close and his emotions even closer. There was a time when Big Son was Little Son. When he confided everything in me. Asked for my advice on everything from homework to hairstyles. From pimples to presents for the girl he had a crush on. There was a time when his hurts were mine. His worries kept me awake at night. His fears were mine to overcome. His joys were beribboned packages that we opened together. Big Son taught me how to love. How to place another's happiness above my own.
Now? Now Big Son puts up walls. Throws up smoke screens. Chucks angry rocks. At times it seems there is an ocean of distance between us, between me and this child who was the first to hear my heart from the inside. Yes, I know our children must grow up and away from us. I know they must have privacy, independence, secrets and autonomy. Fall in love. Do stupid things. Make weird choices.
But it still hurts. And I miss him. And it's hard. To try and forge a new relationship.With the adult, the young man that he is becoming. To make sense of the confused mess that we're in right now. To assert new boundaries and redraw the lines of our relationship.
What do I want? What do I hope for? Long for?
I want for him to confide in me. I want us to negotiate a space where we can laugh, cry and contemplate the mysteries of the universe. (Diet Coke and Doritos optional.) I want to be the mother that he can talk to about anything and everything.
Even if its to tell me that he has six girlfriends. (Or boyfriends.)
Do you think that's possible? For those of you out there with teenagers and adult children, please tell me how you do it? How do you let go but still keep them close?
You just let them go--if you've done it right, they'll stay close!!
ReplyDeleteI would have killed to have an adult relationship with my parents earlier before life moved on and it was time to leave the nest.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you... My son turned 21 a month ago, and I can't believe he was the little one I held contained in my arms just a moment ago, in my memory! Yet there is joy because he's growing, taking those steps to become his own man, and I want that the most for him...to spread his wIngs and fly. He's a good son, and I'm sure when he sees he can do it, he will only become a better man. And this frees me, too! So smile, Mama...you've done a tremendous job! They will always come to you when they need you, because you've taught them you are there. And bonus...you've still got a chick or two to nurture more before they spread their wings and fly. The heart of a mother... It's a deep thing! It's bottomless!
ReplyDeleteLani, plant the seeds and you will be ok. I have a nearly 29 year old, a nearly 21 year old and a 17 year old. Let go with love. How? Communicate clearly your expectations as you have on your blog, not once but over a period of time. When they turn 'musu' step away. Let them be, (my reaction? I usually would lie down to buffer their fall) and then help them up and keep on telling them via actions and words that you are there for them. You may not like their behaviour but you still love them. I am confident that you have planted the seeds in all your big and little ones (smile), be assured that the most exotic flowers bloom in the most arid conditions. Those seeds when planted and then nurtured with love and care will find their way up and then bloom. The one ingredient I depended most on was PRAYERS and PRAYING consistently, so keep on planting and PUSHING (pray until something happens) Lani. You will be fine. Alofa tele, Breda
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post Lani, made me pause to think and to appreciate... because my eldest is in that very phase you are reminiscing about now - where he tells me what he's thinking before considering whether he wants me to know or not. It's hard to imagine it won't always be like this!
ReplyDeleteIm back from a trip to Samoa and reading through all your very wise and thoughtful replies - thank you. For reassuring me. Reminding me that yeah, we're all learning on this journey of parenthood...making mistakes...trying harder...hoping to get it right...praying for it to work. Thank you all for keeping me company on this often crazy mother journey.
ReplyDeleteLani I'm not a parent yet but I felt every feeling you expressed in this piece. Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteWith 4 still in their younger years (11, 9, 6, 3), I can honestly say that you have just put into words one of my biggest parenting fears. I remember being a teenager. Not telling my mother anything. Heck, not really even caring about her as a person. *cringe* The things I did and said that she didn't know about, but which would have disappointed, ashamed, and mortified her.
ReplyDeleteI am terrified of the many years I know are ahead of me where my relationship with my kidlets morphs and unfolds many times. I know it's going to be long, hard, and I'm going to cry in the shower a lot.
But as a much wiser woman (who endured tennager-hood 7 times and lived to tell) told me, "They need to become self-absorbed (to a certain degree). They need to be only concerned with themselves (mostly). They are finding out who they are, and they can't do that if they're too worried about what you are thinking/needing/caring."
I'm going to have to trust that. And I'm sure you and your Fab Five are going to weather this storm just fine.